OLD: Juno movie review

This is really old - from April 23rd 2008 - but I think it's really important. It's especially important to the subject matter of this blog. I originally posted it on my personal Livejournal. I've since edited it a bit:

First of all, I do not have anything against people who like this movie. However, I do have a big problem with this movie and the specific trend in Hollywood. Maybe I could've left this one alone if this movie hadn't gotten so much attention from film critics. Just try and hear me ou...

1. It's pseudo-intellectual hyper-trendy bullshit
All of the dialogue in the movie is extremely fake and it's so full of quips, one-liners, and fast cutthroat exchanges that you can just feel the movie imploding on its own self-referential pretentious bullshit. Nobody talks like that. And, no, it does not make the movie unique or cool, it makes it embarrassing as all fuck. It's like watching your parents try to imitate teen slang or listening to them crack lightning fast penis/your-mom jokes. And the music selection is so fucking indie-scene cliche that I could ralph.

2. It's the third installment in the pro-life/anti-choice propoganda trilogy
Have you noticed a trend in Hollywood lately? No? Well, I sure as hell have. Think Waitress, Knocked Up, and now, surprise... Juno! What do all of these movies have in common? They are all about how a woman "heroically" rejects an abortion. Except that the woman doesn't actually choose to have the kid, no, they are forced into the circumstances or do not even consider their options. In Knocked Up, the girl goes straight from taking a pregnancy test to, "whelp, I better tell that ugly dude I hooked up with when I was crunk that we have to raise a kid now." And Juno goes into an abortion clinic, but is ultimately scared away because of an overly-pierced secretary, etc. That's not reality and it's not even funny. You know what is reality? Fucking FAKE pro-life crisis pregnancy centers masquerading under the guise of family planning/abortion clinics. You know, the kind of place that tells the woman she will have a psychotic break if she gets an abortion, or that she will get fucking cancer, okay. THAT is what scares women away. Not your honest, well-meaning abortion and planned parenthood clinics.

And Juno is supposed to be one of those hyper-cynical supersmart characters, am I right? And yet... another deciding factor in her "choice" to carry the child to term is a classmate protestor's insistance that the baby has FINGERNAILS. First of all, it's not a baby; it's either a blastocyst, zygote, embryo, or a fetus, depending on stage of development. The fact that it may have fingernails just states the obvious, it is about as alive as your fingernail: living tissue, but not ""alive"" in the sense that you and I are alive.
So, Juno was scared/forced into her "choice." It's as though she was defeated in her original purpose. The movie totally fails to address abortion as a serious topic or a choice.

3. Comedy or not, It's still insultingly unrealistic

I just love how the parents are so stereotypically indie-film complacent with their daughter's conception and pregnancy. "Our sixteen-year-old girl's having a kid? Sucks a little, but we can get through it." Yeah, only in the comfort of the white middle-class American lie. This movie is like a guy's wet dream precisely because it makes the mishap of pregnancy look SO damn nonchalant/apathetic! It even makes teen pregnancy look "cool." And, yes, that is why it is inherently sexist. "Don't worry about getting your girlfriend pregnant, because she'll get over it, and so will her parents." How about a movie that doesn't glamorize adoption, that doesn't glamorize teen pregnancy... where the girl's not white/middle-class/indie and the girl's parents freak the fuck out and threaten to disown her?

Oh, and isn't it convenient how the guy sticks around? How many guys in the real world (who aren't already in it for the long term anyway) would have the DECENCY to stick around and remain cordial?

Juno makes pregnancy look like a breeze. I'm sorry, I refuse to watch this movie, but I honestly want to know: Do we see a shot of her dry-heaving over a toilet, dealing with pre-natal care, going to all kinds of OBGYN appointments, and suffering through the other stresses and complications of pregnancy? If it was shown, it was probably shown in a very comical way: Hence the part where she throws up in an urn.

The potential-adoptive parents are your stereotypical upper-class white couple with the over-zealous, over-protective, nit-picky mom and the "slacker" dad. Good work on that one!

And finally, the ending. After she gives birth, Juno and ultimate guy friend go back to playing some indie tunes on their acoustic guitars together. Yeah, right. Where's the emotional upset? Sure, she cries about it... once, am I right? and that's it? Then they play guitar and they are both suddenly teenagers again! Where is the regret, the awkwardness, the anger, and the confusion, that comes with unexpected pregnancy and a birth at age 16? Oh, I forgot, this is an indie film and the main character is smart and cynical and totally didn't just force a baby out of her, like, vag.

"How the fuck can you say this if you haven't even seen the movie, you idiot?!"
I know what you're thinking. But I've read most of the script, seen dozens of clips, heard summaries of the movie, and read countless reviews from film critics on both sides. I refuse to see this train wreck of a movie. You don't have to eat shit to know that it will taste bad... and you don't have to see Juno to know that the movie will suck.